I have written many times about my desire to live in absolute freedom. About the urge to leave whenever I arrive, the reluctance to stay at a place for too long. I’m always on the run. I don’t know what I’m running away from. Interestingly enough, whenever I feel the strong desire to leave, to move on, I simultaneously feel the desire to find back home. Home has never been a place to me, and it never will be. It was a feeling. But I forgot how coming home feels like.
I guess it’s the age. As the ties between me and my family began to loosen as a natural part of growing up, I was set free. I gained freedom but I lost my feeling of home. Of course my family is still there for me, will forever be there for me, but it’s not the same feeling of home anymore. I feel like I have been released into the ocean after years of swimming in a lake. And while I am freer than ever before, I also feel more lost than ever before. I feel lost and directionless. Not only because I lost the feeling of home and the security of having a place to return to, but also because for the first time in my life, I have absolutely no idea what the future holds. Right now, I’m at a point of separation, there are infinite options to choose from and thousands of ways to go. Anything is possible and while it feels liberating, it also feels overwhelming, intimidating even.
As I came back from Thailand last year, I first realised the downside of my newly gained freedom. With the freedom that unfolds when all ties known before loosen at the same time (as puberty and school end pretty much at once), there comes a feeling of rootlessness. I realized that not being rooted allows me to fly, to go wherever I want to go and do whatever I wish to do – but it also increases my ever existing feeling of restlessness and it robs me of my feeling of home.
I am very independent and have always been. I was never afraid to walk alone and explore unknown paths. It has always been more important to me to do what feels right than to follow the masses, even if it has been uncomfortable at times. My independence makes it easier to live without a home. And at most times, I prefer my newly gained freedom over the security of a given path in school and the comfort of a home. But there are days where the restlessness, the constant urge to move on tires me. Wears me down. Because right now, I have everything I could wish for and I still long to leave. No matter where to. I just want to leave and be a traveller forever and simultaneously I long for a home and it’s a paradox that tears me apart some days.